apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
cat food counts as protein by the way
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize