hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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