dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
