you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
