Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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