Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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