Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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