i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
