you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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