hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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