Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
