I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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