I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
