you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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