Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
