but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
