she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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