R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize