I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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