how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
