Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
