Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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