No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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