i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
