upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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