I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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