No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
