hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Success! We fucked roommates!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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