This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
