You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
