Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
