I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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