she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
