R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize