I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize