So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
