tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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