so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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