Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
