I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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