And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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