Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
