so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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