I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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