Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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