so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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