I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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