the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize