Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize