I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
what ever happened to devon sawa?
fuck...who knows?
i'm really worried about him.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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