I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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