In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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