Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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