I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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