What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
