Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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