im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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