just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
