just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
