Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
