my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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