I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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